the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
two words...techno handjob
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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