Do you still have your period?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
