That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
