Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My Sexting was not on an AP level
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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