the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
