Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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