Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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