how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
