Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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