After last night, I could never be a politician.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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