Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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