that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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