you didnt know i had herpes?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
