first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
