just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
