How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
