I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
you never un-have a 4some
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
