it wasn't lemon gatorade
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
