You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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