That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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