woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
