evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
