toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
