Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
