i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
