never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
