we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
