There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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