The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You need a sexual gate keeper
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
