Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My penis needs a shock collar
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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