This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
