Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
