I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I am midnight drunk by noon
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
