what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
