No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
