So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
