Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
