i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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