On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
