I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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