Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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