You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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