i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
