margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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