Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
