U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
