I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
