So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
