What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
