now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
