I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
