when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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